difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

Its like my old AC all over again. Up until very very recently I would have sung his praises about being a caring good man-Im blown away. Then you think you can trust yourself, this time. Also, misspoke about 77it is 707, as you said. I think Ive been too polite and nice with all this. But I fear that I can slip anyday, and become trusting/gullible or a people pleaser and this post reminds me not to. I think its most important for starters that you stop with the new guy, explain that you cannot continue because you are not over your ex and then stop dating for the time being. While I am the queen of holding a grudge, Penn couldn't be more opposite. The urge remains to call him and ask, Can you help me make sense of what happened? MotherofDoodles 5 hr. Frontiers in Psychology. First he was sssoooo happy and chipper sounding I couldnt believe it. Sending love and hugs your way. I do not think he knows that I know this or that he is married. Hes playing with your heart. Maeve, thank you. Grudges aren't uncommon. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. I wanted to emphasize that our instincts often tell us what we need to know about the guys we tend to date, and if CC feels that way towards any guy, whether its about the guy or about herself, she needs to pay attention and trust herself. Lavendar, the fact that youre taking this all in means that on some level you have self-preservation. Yes. There usually seems to be some very black and white ideas that people have about forgiveness and what it entails. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! Improved heart health. Block this idiot. I broke it off after a few weeks because the emotional rollercoaster was too painful but then spent the last 4 months wondering what could have been, would have been, should have been, and so on. can not afford to buy the book please contact Nicholas and he will give you a free copy.) I dont think he is complex, and in time, you will recognize the same. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. My life had literally come to standstill and wasnt going anywhere, but it was only until things ended with him that I started building up my self-esteem and confidence to set myself goals and actually achieve them. Friends, work colleagues whom he had no reason to get involved with only to act the victim. He had told me he and his very long time gf had broken up. I forced myself to have sex with him when I hated it, and it made me want to cry. Thanks everyone for your really helpful advice. Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. How he acted towards me said more about him than it did about me. This after calling me Satans spawn at one point for me not being as infuriated as she was at a woman who suggested that my aunts 5$ haircut wasnt the most stylish thing shed ever seen. There's a difference between "forgiving" and moving on. Avoid judging yourself too harshly. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. Click here for an email preview. You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. she is at the core of my estrangemnt frm my son (iniated by my son as much he doesnt know & I cannot tell him or will only taumatise him). The difference is that Ive chosen to use this painful experience to grow as a person and that usually means letting go of the past and never looking back. The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. He replied were not over. The Big Question: Will he try to get in contact with me? Toxic people, narcissists, and passive-aggressive people know they are hurtful. Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. He blew hot and cold, he made promises, he cancelled dates all the red flags that Natalie has alerted us to. =), Tink,JustHer & Courtney. Lower blood pressure. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad. Actually, theres nothing to forgive because he never tried to hurt me and he has always been honest, even painfully so. This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that you're secretly harboring a grudge. 10 Signs That A Guy Wants You Just For Sex, Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married/Attached Man, Overlappers: When they start a new relationship just before your breakup, Miss You, Miss You, Oops, But Im Not Getting Back With You: When Your Ex Says They Miss You But Youre Still Broken Up, Letting Go of a Relationship That Doesnt Exist, Uncover, unpack and declutter the emotional baggage thats holding you back in 5 short audio sessions, Get to know yourself on a deeper level and learn my simple yet powerful emotional decluttering methods, Put healthy boundaries in place and start being more of the person you really are. To hold a grudge is to have and maintain a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward someone for something they did, especially a wrong that you think they committed against you. The final straw was that when I left town out of desperation to do something else,and hang out with other people I returned to find that he was crashing out on my close grilfriends bed saying that he felt his bind with me was stronger if he hung out with my close friends. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. Yet, He forgives. I havent caught up with my friend since August, and now I know why. You speak your mind and I appreciate this about your posts. Its more lime an addiction. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. You might need to deal with him in relation to your child but you can do that in a business like pragmatic way. Reflect on times when others have forgiven you. Or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend. I did fall for him and did feel an emotional connection even though he is EUM so we became friends then my feelings grew and i thought his did too and we got along much better, until he said he wasnt interested in relationship but kept emailing calling. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. What I meant was that, no matter whether the person is repentant (and thus deserving forgiveness) or non-repentant (willfully sinning without remorse or change of action, in which case they are constituting themselves an enemy of God and we would be enabling them and condoning their behavior as well as siding with them against God by forgiving them), we have the responsibility for OUR side of the street, which is that we never pay back evil for evil towards them by our own thoughts, words, or actions. DGzCarbon Sometimes I honestly think that there is a type of person who gets abused and I was just one of those but she showed us that there is no such thing, anyone can be a victim. I dont forget. This is projection of their own feelings on you. Its also not a punishment. You deserve better than that. All the best. Hes made a couple of crumby attempts to contact me since he broke up with me and while initially I thought that would make me feel better, it didnt. I already walked away more than two months ago. My ex EUM and I broke up a week ago and were emailing and he didnt email me all weekend and I was happy. and not actually to feel any better. I feel much better for having gone ahead and done this because it needed closure in my own head and only I could give that to me, by taking action and hoping to christ that I was enough of a different and stronger person not to fall into the same trap again. endstream endobj 157 0 obj <. What you said struck a chord with me, that you can engage superficially with an EU romantic prospect but keep them at arms length. If you want a master class in forgiveness, marry someone with ADHD. Mummys boy I had 9 mo r.ship w b4 ex now deceased AC re-entered my life, sent me a facebook friend request y.day. I would take such advice with a grain of salt. For example, I was involved with a real AC and got some really amazing help on BR that helped me to go no contact and get over him. Ready you should be celebrating! Focus on self care and the respectful boundaries you deserve. grudge - WordReference English dictionary, questions, discussion and forums. At certain points I have gone NC with her for extended periods of time because she hurts not only me, but EVERYONE I care about with her words. Thanks for being patient with me! And thenif he doesnt reply more questions. But I had let my sister listen to it. Needless to say, I did not return her call and havent spoken to her since. I forgive my ex who was abusive. Therefore, I will never get an apology and there really is nothing he can say to make what he did alright with me. I am very up front with him too. Your instincts will tell you when youre ready to move forward and when youve unloaded your baggage. Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life. It gives me hope that when I leave this house physically I will have the same sense of relief. I had both forgiven and forgotten. Try seeing the situation from the other person's point of view. I felt wrongly safe in that I saw the way he was with women, and like you I found it was so excessive and crazy that it couldnt be serious, that it was an act to draw attention, that he was just being playful and enjoyed seeing my shocked/blushing faces, etc. I was so surprised with his sudden change of behavior toward me, that I mistook it for his dropping his act. I would love you to write a post on this Nat. And not to take me out either, but asking if I would take him out. Theyre either in or theyre out! Ive chosen to ignore it. I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. I was addicted for 6 months with the MM. After trauma, you may be unable to control the. Probably has a harem and a significant other to boot. Now I get what you mean and you are right that we agree! Took a few years mind. You do not need to get closure from him, there is nothing he can say which may help but Im not sure. Order your copy (link in bio)#baggagereclaim #boundariesarehealthy #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #recoveringpeoplepleaser #healthyrelationships #thejoyofsayingno. Get Your Copy Now! Think of a calming or pleasant memory that you can clearly . He has feelings we assume and is a person and shouldnt, in my view, be so blatantly and thoughtlessly disregarded as an object of no significance in the context of CCs painful situation or within the context of subsequent responses. When I heard him say that it made me really question him, also I was thinking that maybe he was saying it to brag to his friend and didnt really mean it. Mommy I dont believe that you need to forgive him, thats something only you can decide. Be grateful he is gone and you dodged a bullet. And dont worryI clearly read the well-intentioned and accurate tones of both your comments! By clicking Sign up, you agree to receive marketing emails from Insider After a few texts back and forth, much along the same lines as before, I realised that this time around the short and non committal texts were neither exciting nor interesting. Not only that, but you can find yourself taking advantage of any opportunity to let your voice be heard. Last night my ex tried to convince me yet again that it is my insecurities and jealousies that are getting in the way of our relationship, because I told him that I would be crushed if he spent the holidays with his ex wife. They hate you, good bye. Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". He is capable of seeking attention and some uncommitted sex. You, also have a bonus in the pages of the book that makes you live your success by doing a seemingly trivial thing. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. Itll be wasted emotion on your end. Just meet some one else fast. Martinez-Diaz P, et al. I have not been to therapy, but I have researched her behavior thoroughly. I trusted them whilst in then depths of the on off emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship and it seems now that I was fabricating everything and the reason he treated me so badly was because it was my fault. I dont think he sounds like a good catch. Rakel D, ed. That lasted three months, until my Grandmother died. Getting It!- I havent gone to any of my high school reunions as I dont remember high school as being a happy time, havent kept in contact with anyone from high school so what would be the point? He told me quite a lot about himself and his issues. Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. Well, dealer seems different, maybe he never wants to live that way of life either. I deal with this a lot. You may opt-out of email communications at any time by clicking on However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies.. Normally, when things do not work out, I just endure the pain but try to move on. I realised that I dont need him to validate my feelings and that I dont need him in my life to feel happy. Ive seen him twice, at events, each time with his wife. So we fool ourselves unless we pay 100% attention to our thoughts and actions. If we expect the Lord to forgive us for debts we cant pay, yet we expect other sinners to repay theirs to usitswellkinda hypocritical. there is so much more to my current world of pain. Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. Hell, no! I wrote this before I read some of the other posts about forgiveness. RFC I think you already have the information you need, he said he feels suffocated in a relationship and he wanted FWB. Hugs xx. Ive been 1 year out of an unhealthy 3.5 year relationship, and Im struggling with thoughts about breaking 6 months no contact with her. Well then, yes, I have decided that I wont ride that Ferris Wheel again.. I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. What are you bearing grudges for? But why should I stop going to events and meeting people just because of the AC. Anyways my first thought was to text him and tell him I forgive you and there are no hard feeling since our last interaction 7 wks ago me telling him to stop calling, it made me feel super guilty and I felt bad for him. I would love to deliver all his stuff to his girlfriend except I wouldnt know which girlfriend to go to.. I think that once I get this off my chest ILL be able to move on and not seethe with anger silently at how I was treated. I am an adult now, not a child who depends on her for whatever scraps she felt obligated to dole out. Validation? I have learned to protect myself, and deal with her effectively. I am struggling with breaking no contact to let him know that I am aware that he was dishonest and may have been cheating. Sign up for free, and stay up to date on research advancements, health tips and current health topics, like COVID-19, plus expertise on managing health.